What To Do If Your Pet Despises You - Advice

an angry chinchilla

As I have proven countless times in the past, I am an expert in many things. A jack of many trades, a master of them ALL. (HEE-HAW) And something I've figured out how to do very well is force my pets to like me, even though they don't want to. Remember, if you are a horrible person and your domesticated animal hates your guts, this is for you. Keep reading.

Before I say anything else, let me make sure one thing is clear. Your pets' opinion of you is not your fault. In fact, nothing is your fault. Accountability is for weaklings. We, you and I, are not weak. We are not weaklings, we are winners and champions and warriors, and our pets will be forced to acknowledge our irrefutable superiority. 

Remember, you are always right. You can never be wrong. 

"But then what do I do," you ask, "if my cat won't sit on my lap at exactly the moment I want it to sit on my lap?" 

"What do I do," you cry, "if my goldfish won't come back when I play fetch with it?"

"What do I do," you whimper, "if my dog pees itself every time I call it?"

"What do I do," you bellow, "if my parakeet ate my eyeball?"

All these are legitimate problems, and I might have the answer for you. But think, do you really need me to answer your questions for you? Are you really that lost that you need me to help you figure your life out. Of course, I am extremely qualified to help everybody with everything, but what about you? Do you want to receive help. Look deep within yourself and think about everything. Think. Think. 

You don't need my help. You have it all figured out.

You need a new pet, because this one is clearly not cutting it. 

Go get 'em, tiger. Get a tiger.  

BTW, if you have found yourself through this valuable, introspective experience just now and require my help picking a new pet, click HERE and thank you for reading.