PETS: How To Choose Them - Advice

Ever thought about getting a pet? Of course you have, and unless your parents were complete monsters you probably even had one. Maybe not the pupper you really wanted - or the 5 puppers - but, you know, a turtle, a fish, a little devil called the dwarf hamster, or a rat. You know, one of those baby rats that were supposed to be your anoconda's lunch, but you saved it because you felt bad? And now look, you have a pet rat!

Regardless, that was when you were young. This was back in the days when you couldn't really make your own life choices, and so choosing a pet was always your parents' responsibility. Although you felt like nothing would happen without you, your parents were the souls burdened with the overbearing choice of deciding which living being to keep in a cage for the entirety of its life. Now, however, you are here because you want to finally choose a pet for yourself. You've decided to take command, grasp the steering wheel, be the captain of your own ship! And I applaud you, because once I tried to buy a Guinnea Pig but my housemate called me insane, and threatened to move out if I tried to smuggle the little rodent behind his back.

Just as promised, here's my article on how to choose a pet.

As my top pick, I recommend getting a spider. Now that the Bay Area is being engulfed in almost semi-daily rainy days, these little cuties are joining us in our houses, almost becoming our cohabitants. They clearly would like to live with us, so why don't we greet them with spread arms and big smiles on our faces. See, if my housemate were a spider and not a person, I'd be able to irresponsibly buy a Guinnea Pig and ruin its life.

Now that I've got you hooked, you're probably wondering how to choose a spider, for there are just so many different kinds it's impossible to make the right choice! Don't sweat, I'm here to help!

In this article, I will first cover our local spider options, and then list a few foreign guys who you might be interested in gettting. Enjoy!

Let's talk about the Cellar Spider. This cutie cake pie looks like a demon summoned from the grossest depths of Hell, and can potentially make a great pet! Sometimes referred to as daddy long-legs, this daddy has deadly venom that could kill a human if papa long-legs actually attacked people or had sufficient strength and fang-length to do it. Unfortunately, this spider is too small and its fangs aren't powerful enough to actually insert any venom into us, even if it were to bite. Not my highest recommendation as a pet, but could be nice for unexperienced pet-owners.

The second spider on my lists is actually two spiders: The Black Widow and The Brown Widow.  The Brown Widow, although looks just as cute as a Black Widow - slightly tanner - is not deadly to humans. Its bite will hurt a lot, but sadly won't kill you. Fun as a pet, but doesn't give the full experience. The Black Widow, however, is at the top of the recommended list. This critter is everything you want in your home! According to livescience, their bite is fifteen times more venomous than a rattlesnake's bite! Don't worry, this doens't mean you can't have both in your home. You'll just have to pace yourself when playing with your bristly-scaley pets.

If you're more into the pain as opposed to the venom, the Wolf Spider may be for you. This California resident is a chubby little fellow with a painful, painful bite. If you are more into the venom - of course you are!  - but already have a Black Widow in your home, you could consider getting a Yellow-Sac Spider. The color yellow symbolizes positivity and a fresh outlook on life! If that's not a steal, I don't know what is.

And now, coming from Outdoorlife, come my top picks for a foreign little spider guy. (Foreign to California counts, too.)

The Brown Recluse Spider, originally from the Midwest, South, and Southeast, is born playing a violin, making it an ideal pet if you're into Viennese waltzes. The Six-Eyes Sand Spider is another lovely example. Its hometown is in Southern Africa, and only two cases exist of its bite being recorded. One of the victims had their arm amputated as a result, and the other victim died. The Australian Funnel Web Spider will kill you within minutes of biting. Not only is this spider quite large, it is considered the deadliest little guy in the world.

The False Black Widow Spider is basically an imposter. Do not fall for this ruse. If somebody is trying to sell you a Black Widow Spider that doesn't look exactly like what you expected, trust your gut. Ask the salesperson to let you play with it, and disturb the little guy until it bites you. If your body's visceral reaction to the venom is correct, only then can you fully trust that you are purchasing a Black Widow, and not a False Black Widow. Be wary.

Of course, there are many more spiders you can choose from, but I think you should narrow it down to the ones mentioned in my article. I am by far not an expert in spiders, but I really want to get that Guinnea Pig, and this may be my only chance.