Why Going to the Beach SUCKS - Advice

 

I know you're thinking what I'm thinking. Going to the beach is an absolute nightmare for anyone involved. The sun strokes, the weird tan lines that don't look good in any scenario (even the one where you're at the beach), and of course the having to wear underwear in public and hoping nobody will judge your anything-but-flawless body. Because that's what people at the beach are for. They're there to judge you.

Let's dissect this pressing matter, and determine once and for all what it is about going to the beach that makes us all want to curl up in a ball and cry.

Let's say that the number one reason (potentially the only one) we don't like going to the beach one sunny Saturday is because of all the fun we know we would be having if we weren't at the beach. I mean, to look at it closely, the average millennial does not have too much fun during the week, and it's the weekends when all the fun really happens. Who in their right mind would waste their Saturday getting crispy fried under the scorching sun when they could be out doing better things?

Now, this may be the biggest problem with going to the beach, but it sure isn't the only one. Apparently, being pale is an awful thing, and ruins the beach-going experience for everyone. Not only are you exposing your weirdly pale skin to the sun, but you're exposing unsuspecting strangers to it, too. If you're pale and had no idea you should be ashamed of your pale skin, don't feel worried because being tan is gross, too! No matter how you look, you suck and shouldn't be having a good time.

According to trusted sources I shall diligently cite at the end, going to the beach involves waking up way too early. We're talking Ridiculously Early, a time at which very few people desire to get out of bed, especially when they're on vacation. And you might say, "then why don't you just set an alarm, or go to bed early the night before? " This may be worth all the fun to be had at the beach, but it's a belittling process that destroys one's sense of free will. We'd rather go to the beach at night or better yet, never go at all.

Sunburns. Honestly, what is there to complain about? Sunburns are like boo-boos on your pinky. They help you understand that your pinky is involved in a lot of basic tasks, with every stab of pain it causes you. That, but with all your skin that isn't covered by your swimsuit.

"Old men in tiny, tiny bathing suits" is another con of going to the beach. See? I told you people go to the beach only to judge each other. No need to shame elderly people who also want to have fun at the beach. One day, that'll be you.

Some other cons include sand getting in your food (and other places),  annoying children with seemingly oblivious parents (whom you find judging for not being better parents), drinking too much booze and then getting a heatstroke, seagulls, public restrooms, (it's as if they expect us to be grateful that they're even there), no personal space, and did I mention weird tan lines?

Then there is the biggest con of all the cons. The anything but mild nuisance, constituting in of itself all your irrational fears (and desires?): hot people.

There you are, an average looking human being, trying to have a good time. You don't necessarily have low self-esteem, but you're not too confident either. And then they come, those hot people at the beach. For some reason, the hot people at the beach tend to be the ones who play beach volleyball. It's as if they're mocking everyone else. They're there to demonstrate their conventionally attractive genes, which they flaunt into your face with their outgoing and easy personality. They're there to make our trip to the beach a nightmare.

Did I hit all the bullet-points? Or is there something else that makes your trip to the beach a disaster?

The eerie aura of this post would make it your perfect Halloween post, so pretend it's Halloween to glean the most out of this immersive experience. It's up to you to make the most of it.

Stay tuned for more!