Elf On The Shelf Is Worse Than Krampus

It's Christmas Eve, regardless of whether or not you celebrate, and my initial plan was to do a reprise of my Christmas horrors article from a few years ago. I thought it might have been fun to write about Krampus on Christmas Eve. But since nobody actually cares what I write about and I discovered something significantly more horrifying than Krampus, today's article is about Elf on the Shelf.

My family never practiced the Elf on the Shelf Christmas tradition, and for that I say thank you. The general concept is that Santa Claus sends a red-suited little snitch to spy on your kids, reporting back to the North Pole at night. If that isn't bad enough for you, you're not allowed to touch this little "helper", because it will hurt it. If you, however, accidentally do touch it, sprinkling cinnamon is the quick fix before a North Pole doctor can check it out at night. A doctor! Krampus is so much more self-sufficient. He doesn't die because you accidentally touch him. Nor does he need cinnamon for anything. I bet Krampus doesn't even like cinnamon.   

The Elf on the Shelf Christmas tradition is relative new, as it was first introduced by Carol Aebersold and Chanda Bell - mother and daughter - in their children's book The Elf on the Shelf: A Christmas Tradition in 2005. These people single-handedly doomed children to have tiny spies plaguing their rooms and tormenting their everyday activities during the Christmas season. Krampus is unemployed because of them, despite employing methods more suitable for children than snitching. Krampus is also an authentic tradition, as his presence can be traced all the way back to Medieval Europe. Please put an end to this nonsense. 

Merry Christmas!