Stupid Musician Jokes

Tosca 

SEX! MURDER! BLOOD! ROME! FANCY COSTUMES! DOUBLE-CROSSINGS! 
Characters:
 Floria Tosca (soprano) - kinda hysterical diva with black eyes

Mario Cavaradossi (tenor) - your cuddly, lovable tenor who's always overshadowed

Baron Scarpia (baritone) - one of the candidates on the "best operatic villain ever"contest. Rumor says his chances are quite good. He does a baritone's usual job* to perfection.

Cesare Angelotti (bass) - the character that gives you the "who was this guy again?" feeling at the curtain calls

Spoletta (tenor) - the nasty, rat-like buffo tenor who played Melot last time, and will be a recurring character. He's always overshadowed by the main villain and this makes him frustrated. He also auditioned for Wormtail, but he didn't get it.

 Sciarrone (baritone? bass? never really noticed) - Scarpia's butler, or something like that. Also doubles as Prison Guard.

The Sacristan (baritone) - the funny comprimario guy.

 *Killing tenor, abusing soprano, being a bully in general, that kind of stuff.

 ACT I St. Andrea della Valle

 Music: DUN DUN DUUUUUUNNNNN!

 Angelotti: Thank you for scaring me to death.

 Music: At your service.

 Angelotti: Let's see. Chapel, check. Statue of Madonna, check. Key, check. Huh. Better to hide, I hear some moron nearing... *hides*

 Sacristan: Stupid painter. This is the third time I stepped into his red. And he's painting that Maddalena way too hot for church standards. I had to whine for days to make him paint her CLOTHES! *bell* Yay, praying time!

 Cavaradossi: Hi! Sacristan: Oh, g'day, eccelenza. Cavaradossi (takes veil off the painting and likens it to a miniature) *aria* I like both blondes and brunettes. Especially at the same time.

Sacristan. Heretic! *off*

 Cavaradossi: Time to work...

Angelotti: Hello!

Cavaradossi: Is it really... YOU!

Angelotti: Yeah, freshly out of jail. Scarpia will be pissed off when he hears it...

Cavaradossi: Don't even mention that pig.

Tosca (outside) MARIO!

Cavaradossi. Oh... better hide quickly. She's jealous.

Angelotti: But I'm a man...

Cavaradossi: She has a VERY nasty mind. (Angelotti hides, Tosca enters)

Tosca: YOU! You're cheating me!

Cavaradossi: Why do you think?

Tosca: Let's see - closing the door, whispering with someone, painting blue-eyed woman... better explain if you don't want a lifetime job in a harem.

Cavaradossi: Well, she is just some random praying woman I saw, not my secret lover or something.

Tosca: Really?

Cavaradossi: Really. See, honey, I have to work...

Tosca: Ok, but better paint her eyes black! *off* (Angelotti comes back)

Cavaradossi: Where will you hide?

Angelotti: Well, my sister left me women's clothes here...

Cavaradossi. Listen dude, you're a bearded bass. You won't fool anyone.

Angelotti: What then? Cavaradossi: Come into my villa, and... *gunshot* Um... I think we better RUN! *they do so*

Sacristan: Hey, Mr. Painter? Gone? Chorus boys! Buonaparte got defeated!

Chorus boys: YAY!

Sacristan: That means Te Deum, big concert at the evening, and BIG PARTY in general!

Chours boys: *try to be as loud as possible*

Music: DUN DUN DUUUUUNNN! Scarpia enters. Everyone freezes.

Scarpia: IS THIS A CHURCH OR A F***KIN' INN?

Sacristan. Um... sorry sir... we're just...

Scarpia: SHUT UP.

Boys, go and search for suspicious things while I stand here and shine in my EVIL aura.

Henchman #1: There's this red paint I just stepped into...

Henchman #2: And this fan.

Sacristan: And this empty basket...

Scarpia: Elementary, my dear Sacristan! Angelotti came here, dropped his sister's fan, and then Cavaradossi gave him his food and they ran away together.

Sacristan: Oh! What a genius.

Scarpia: Oh, it's just the routine.

Tosca (outside) Mario!

Scarpia: Awww... the girl I want to shag! (Tosca enters.)

Scarpia: Hi, may I offer holy water?

Tosca: You can touch it without burning? Wow.

Scarpia: Oh, I'm a good Christian.

Tosca: have you seen my boyfriend?

Scarpia: No... have you seen this fan?

Tosca: WHAT? ATTAVANTI'S FAN! I'LL CASTRATE HIM!

Scarpia (aside): MWAHAHAHA! (Tosca storms out.)

Spoletta: (sneaks to his boss)

Scarpia: Go and follow her with a carriage. Bring some tough guys. You'll surely find Angelotti. (Spoletta exits. During the following monologue, a lot of statists in fancy costumes come in and do various Catholic cult things.)

Scarpia: Time for an EVIL MONOLOGUE! I have to beat that Iago guy on the contest. I'm afraid of Hagen though. And there's that other bass who might be a mix of us three and even more pervy than me, so I have to work really hard. How about this: Go, Pretty Soprano! I'll kill off your boyfriend, and also Angelotti, and they will all hang...

Osmin (offstage) I DID THAT BETTER!

Scarpia: Shut up! And then I'll DO YOU. From every direction. All night long.

 Chorus: *OMINOUS LATIN CHANTING*

Scarpia: What the- oops, I almost forgot where I am. Tosca! That's all your fault! You made me forget God and daydream about sex.

Chorus (and Scarpia): *OMINOUS LATIN CHANTING* Cannons. Bells. Big dramatic orchestra.

Full chorus. And Scarpia is still able to sing louder.

Music: He kicks ass. Oh, pardon: DUN DUN DUUUUUNN!

 ACT II Palazzo Farnese Night. Scarpia having dinner and wearing embroidered black fancy clothing and frilly shirt. And powdered wig.

 Scarpia: Time for a smaller evil monologue. Ahem: WOMEN! WINE! SEX! DEPRAVITY!

Don Giovanni (offstage) Seriously dude, you FAIL.

Scarpia: One more random Mozart hero cames and I'll execute the conductor. Sciarrone! Sciarrone (enters) Yes, sir?

Scarpia: Window. Anything new?

Sciarrone: Spoletta's back.

Scarpia: Ok, send him in. Has Tosca arrived for the concert?

Sciarrone: No yet, sir.

Scarpia: Give her this letter when she arrives.

Sciarrone: (aside) Golden ink on a black paper with red hearts? He's really trying hard. (off) (Spoletta enters.)

Scarpia: Did you get Angelotti?

Spoletta: Um... no sir.

Scarpia: YOU WORTHLESS SCUM!

Spoletta: ...but we got the painter.

Scarpia: That's better. Bring him in. And send for some henchmen.

Cavaradossi: I PROTEST!

Scarpia: Oh, hi. Want to sit down?

Cavaradossi: I don't know where he is!

Scarpia: C'mon, is it necessary to play this all?

Cavaradossi: Yes.

Scarpia: You tenors are really hopeless.

Tosca (sings from outside)

Cavaradossi: I deny everything.

Scarpia: Believe me, you don't want to try the torture chamber.

Cavaradossi: I'm strong!

Scarpia: Let's see. Tosca (enters in a very sparkly red empire dress and dragging a long silk scarf) Good eve... MARIO?

Scarpia: The cavalier wants to tell something to my henchmen...


Cavaradossi: DON'T SPEAK! (Cavaradossi is dragged to the torture chamber. Door is shut.)

Tosca: I have a bad feeling about this.

Scarpia: And you're right.

Tosca: What's going on?

Scarpia: Oh, just some torture.

Cavaradossi: *outside* NO! ANYTHING BUT THE COMFY CHAIR!*

Tosca: Release him!

Scarpia: As soon you gave up Angelotti.

Tosca: Who?

Scarpia: Right! Open the door so we can hear it better!

Cavaradossi: I WILL NOT BREAK!

Tosca: Please, Mario! Can't I just talk?

Cavaradossi: No, shut up...

 Tosca: You know, Baron, you're really mean!

Scarpia: *aside* Yay! I just got about 20 points in the contest!

Tosca: You're the most evil baritone I've ever met!

Scarpia: Oh dearie, just go on.

Cavaradossi: *SCREAM*

Tosca: Ok. He's in the fountain.

Scarpia: Right, boys, stop the torture. Bring the dude in. (Cavaradossi is brought in.)

Tosca: *hugs him* My poor love!

Cavaradossi: You didn't talk, right? RIGHT?

Scarpia: Spoletta, go and search in the fountain.

Cavaradossi: BITCH!

Random Messenger: Attenzione! BUONAPARTE ACTUALLY WON THE BATTLE OF MARENGO!

Cavaradossi: VICTORYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY! YAY! ALL TYRANTS WILL FALL! YOU TOO, SCARPIA!

Scarpia: But not so fast I wouldn't have the time to hang you.

Tosca: *facepalm*

Cavaradossi is dragged out. They remain alone.

Scarpia: Sit down, my lady. Spanish wine? Dine with me?

Don Giovanni (offstage) AGAIN! PRETENDING TO BE ME!

Scarpia (ignores him)

 Tosca: How much?

Scarpia: Um... you think I'll release him for MONEY when you're sitting here in that criminally low-cut dress?

Tosca: You pervy old dog!

Scarpia: I'm not old!

Tosca: Powdered wigs make you look ten years older.

Scarpia: Well, old or not, Cavaradossi will be perfectly dead in an hour if you don't have sex with me.

Tosca: I LOATHE YOU!

Scarpia: Oh yes, yes, now I'm sure I'll be winning!

Tosca: *aria* WHY MY LORD? WHY?

Scarpia: When you're kneeling, the view into your low-cut dress is even better.

Spoletta (enters): Sorry for interrupting sir, Angelotti killed himself.

Scarpia: Who? Oh, that prisoner guy... hang him anyway.

Spoletta: How about the painter?

Scarpia: Wait. *turns to Tosca, is all question mark*

Tosca: *sigh* OK.

Spoletta: Ignoring me again. Getting the girl AGAIN. Not fair. But one day, I shall play MIME!


Scarpia: Still here?

Spoletta: The orders, sir.

Scarpia: Oh yes. So instead of hanging, we'll have a nice firing squad. FAKE. Like with that Palmieri guy, remember?

Spoletta: *grinning like an idiot* Oh yes, sir. *wink wink* (exits)

Scarpia: Now, let's have the sex!

Tosca: Honey, you better write me a passport first.

Scarpia: Anything you say! *sits down to write* Tosca: *goes for wine, finds epic big knife, hides it*

Scarpia: *finishes passport, stands up, goes to her in ecstasy* And now YOU ARE MINE, BABY!

Tosca: Not so fast, dude. *stabs him*

Scarpia: Hey! This hurts!

Tosca: AND THIS FOR MARIO! *stab* THIS FOR STARING AT MY NECKLINE! *stab* THIS FOR THE CHEAP WINE YOU CALLED SPANISH! *stab*

Scarpia: You... you ruined my frilly shirt! How will this come out!

Tosca: DIE! GOD IN HEAVEN, DIE!**

Scarpia: Arrrrrrrggggggggghhhh. *dies* (Tosca plays a very long pantomime with candles, passport, cross, her shawl, and such things. Then she declares

 Tosca: And Rome trembled before him! I must laugh. (Exit Tosca, dragging the shawl on the floor. Very. Very. Slowly.)

 ACT III Castel Sant' Angelo. Dawn. Bells. Invisible Shepherd singing.

 Prison Guard: (to Cavaradossi) Any last wishes, Cavalier?

Cavaradossi: I want to write. (Guard brings paper, ink, pen etc. Cavaradossi, instead of writing, sings)

Cavaradossi: *aria* HELP! I DON'! WANT TO DIE! I'M SO YOUNG!

Audience: BRAVOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! BIS! BIS!

Cavaradossi: Oh come on, this is not the best moment for...

Audience: BIS!

Cavaradossi: Ok. HELP! I DON'! WANT TO DIE! I'M SO YOUNG!

Audience: He's SO good.

Tosca: (enters) Oh, hi Mario! Listen, you're not going to die, just fake, and we have a passport too, and we'll flee and live happily ever after.

Cavaradossi: Did you sleep with Scarpia or what?

Tosca: Nope, he accidentally ran into my knife. Four times.

Cavaradossi: Wow, you're really awesome.

Tosca: Thanks! (Enter firing squad.)

Tosca: So remember, pretend to be dead, ok? And don't move till I say so!

Cavaradossi: Ok, my dear. (Tosca hides. Firing quad fires. Cavaradossi falls.)

Tosca: Whoa, he's really good! Even fake blood and all. Sssh! Don't move yet! (Exeunt firing squad)

Tosca: Ok, you may move now. Mario! Do you hear me? Stand up! *goes closer* NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! He's dead! (Noise outside.)

Spoletta (storms in) YOU! YOU'LL BE SO DEAD!

Tosca: Thank you for reminding me. *springs up the parapet*

Scarpia! See you in Hell! *jumps* Dramatic music. Curtain.

Source: Beight Cecelia

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